However, I've found that an uncanny number of current "hardcore gamers," a term I've never been particularly fond of, have yet to play any one of the Prince's old adventures, let alone beat one. I myself had never beaten one until just recently, despite that I owned it for literally 15 years. In fact, along with Mario Land, Prince of Persia for the Gameboy was the very first game I ever owned, and although I did eventually beat Mario Land, albeit a few years after I got it, I had never even made it past the 5th level in PoP.
So, after a decade and a half of unfinished business, I finally decided to give it another go. I used my Gameboy Advance SP, so that I could actually see what I was doing. However, I almost wish I couldn't...
The game isn't horrendous. Let me make that much clear. It's just one of the most dick games I've EVER played. And I've played plenty of "dick" games, believe me. I've played (and beaten) both Ninja Gaiden and Contra (without the Konami Code) for the NES, several times in fact. While yes, they may be technically more challenging, and also both required more time (via training) to beat, I never felt they were really being a "dick." They were just challenging for the sake of being challenging.
PoP is another story. The game is guaranteed to not take more than an hour, at least in order to actually beat it for real. However, that's because there is a constant timer counting down the entire time you're playing. You have only 60 minutes to beat the entire game, start to finish, and when the timer gets down to 0, you've lost. Strangely (or practically, depending on your perspective), the game doesn't force you to start over when the clock reaches 0. However, you've failed nonetheless. The princess is dead, and any continued efforts in the hopes of winning are in vain.
Now this isn't all a bad thing actually. The constant timer keeps the pressure on you to always perform your best, and actually makes you feel more engaged and engrossed into the game.
On the other hand, it means the game will more than likely be FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE to beat your first time through. You will have to restart, and you will have to play through certain obstacles an uncanny number of times to get it right.
For a first level, this one is absolutely ridiculous! There is no tutorial in this game (like many games from its time), and unless you have the game instruction manual, you'll just have to experiment around until you've figured them out. Fortunately, it's on Gameboy, meaning there's not that many buttons to figure out, and once you've got a feel for them, they feel pretty natural.
Left and Right on the D-pad make the Prince run, not walk (very important), to the left or right, respectfully (and obviously), Up makes him jump up to try to reach a higher platform or possibly knock a loose tile down, Down makes him duck down to either pick up and object or climb down if he's at the edge of a platform, A makes him jump, and B makes him do a small "step," or hold onto the platform if he's hanging from one. Start, like you'd expect, simply pauses the game, and Select does nothing.
Now, unlike other Prince of Persia games that I've played, this one is very strict in its "position locking" feature. What that means is that there's no in-between ground for where you are. You are either on one block or another. It's really hard to explain in words, so look at the picture below to see what I'm talking about.
(insert picture here)
The good thing about this is that it makes PoP much less of a "guessing game." You're either on the correct place or you aren't. Other PoP games use a sort of "snapping" feature that figures out where the Prince is internally, without the player knowing for sure. Again, see the picture below for more clarity.
(insert picture here)
Anyway, upon getting a basic feel for the controls, the player will make their way down onto the lower platform. This is where the game REALLY starts to show its true colors.
The player may or may not (depending on how they make it down to the lower floor) notice that one of the tiles on the lower floor is shaky. When the Prince stands on or next to it, the platform will fall. If the Prince is "on" the platform when it falls, he'll fall, because that's how physics work.
Now, if the Prince falls from the lower platform, through the floor, and lands on the floor beneath, he'll take one "damage." You start the game off with 3 "life points." As with just about all video games, if you run out of life, you die. I guess that kind of applies to real life too, although I've never seen my personal life bar. (It's probably 0, I have no life).
So right off the bat, you'll inevitably take one damage. The only way to prevent this is to hold B as you're falling, so that the Prince holds onto the edge of platform.
Million to one you won't know to do this your first time. Unless you've read a walkthrough (cheater) or are god-tier at platformers (liar), you'll take the damage. Not really that big a deal, honestly, just merely a foreshadowing of things to come.
Upon arriving on the lower floor, you'll notice two paths, a right one and a left one. Considering this is a 2D game, that's pretty much how it's going to be throughout the whole game. Now most times, and I'm just guessing here, people are going to want to take the path that looks easiest. The left path has a ledge you have to hop up onto, so it's no big deal, but the right path is just a straight path. So lets go that way and take a look.
(insert picture here)
Well lookie here, a guy! I bet you wanna go beat his ass, right? I mean, it's a game, so everyone's first reaction is pretty much to beat the shit out of everyone they see, regardless of their age, gender, nationality (especially nationality, am I right?), etc. But how will you go about this? Do you advance on him slowly, or just make a running charge? Will you "kick" him if you jump at him?
The answer is you die. Regardless of how you advance on him, you die. You can try ANYTHING you want, the outcome will be the same. You'll die, you'll die, you'll die, and you'll die again. You'll respawn back at the starting point of the level and attack him again and die again. It would seem that there's nothing you can do.
HOWEVER, there is in fact something you can do. Assuming you haven't given up at this point (I'm pretty sure I threw the game across the room my first time playing it right about here), you might see that there's that whole "left path" you could take. So how about we go that way instead, and see if things work out better.
(insert picture here)
Well, no guards, so that's positive. However, there's a tile missing from the floor, and it's obviously a decent sized drop down from there, with no obvious means of escaping. On the other side of the hole is a closed gate, much like the one in the first screen of the game. So... wat do?
Well, if you're curious (dumb) enough to try to fall down into the hole, you die. Apparently there are spikes down there. Who knew?
(insert picture here)
If, however, you jump over the hole, you'll notice that the tile next to the whole is a sort of "switch." Upon standing on the hole, the gate will open, allowing you to advance.
Now, I should also point out that there is also a "secret" loose platform a few steps to the left of where you start out in this screen. There's really NO reason to go up there! All that's up there is a health potion and another guard. Unless you REALLY need to heal (you honestly don't) it's not worth the risk. Even if you're one life point down, there's no point in healing now. You can get a much easier to get health potion in just a little bit. Also, just like the first guard, you can't beat this one, so why even try it?
The next few screens really aren't all that bad. The next one is simply solved by going down and hitting the obvious floor switch below and then jumping across the gap, and the next just teaches a simple lesson for future reference, never stop moving on a row of falling platforms. It's worth mentioning that on this screen there's another "secret" hole on the lowest floor which leads to a health potion. This is where you should go if you got injured at the beginning to heal up, but honestly, you probably don't even need it.
Moving on, the next screen has the first real reaction-based puzzle of the game. It's fairly simple, however. All you have to do is step on the floor panel that opens the gate, run, and jump across both the hole in the floor and the "bad" floor switch, which instantly closes the gate you just opened, forcing you to go back and step on the "good" floor switch again, and repeat the jump attempt. What makes this a reaction-based puzzle is the fact that you cannot possibly jump far enough from a standing jump. You have to time your jump in order to make it across without hitting the "bad" switch. Still, nothing too terrible, and honestly you won't have to deal with any majorly challenging obstacles until the 3rd level.
(insert picture here)
After going over another screen, you some (what I presume to be) bones and a small cross. I guess it's as good as they could do on the GB, but damn does it look shitty nowadays. Upon venturing onto the lower floor, and pressing Down over the cross, you'll realize it's actually a sword! ♫Da du-du-du Daaaaa!♫ Anyway, NOW you have what it takes to beat that mother fucker guard! SCHWEEEET!
Go back right, through all the shit you've already been through, past the hole you dropped through, and into the screen with the guard. NOW we'll get to fuck him up, through lame sword-combat! HELLS YEA!
If you run at him, you'll still die. You have to advance towards him slowly, and when you are 4 blocks or fewer away from him, he'll drawl his sword, and this time, you yours. Now the controls pretty much completely change when you have your sword out and are as follows:
Left and Right still move left and right, but this time they move only ONE block at a time, not two minimum like they did before, because now you're walking, not running. A makes the Prince "stab" forward with the sword. This is your only form of attacking, and you'll pretty much just spam it. B "blocks" with the sword, although it's pretty much pointless to block, because if you're in range to block him, you're in range to stab him. Up is not used, however Down is. If you press down during a fight, you'll put away your sword, and, more than likely, you'll die. This is because the guards kill you in ONE SINGLE SHOT if you don't have your sword out, like you probably noticed from the beginning. There is (almost) NO reason to press Down during a fight. If you accidentally do, guess what? YOU'RE FUCKED! Better not fuck up then, eh? Now, on to the fight...
You die.
More than likely, you'll die your first time. This means you'll have to do the whole first stage AGAIN, including going through all the left traps, getting the sword, and back again.
If you haven't given up at this point, you're a REAL man! Either that, or you really have no life (see Big T).
Anyway, kill the guy (or go get the sword again if you died and THEN kill the guy), go to the right, jump up to the switch, open the level door, and leave. End of level 1.
JEEEEZUUUUS! That was just level fucking 1! There are 12 levels in this fucking game, and you're probably down to 45 minutes remaining to save the Princes! Or did you forget about the timer? NOW you see why I said you won't be able to beat this your first time through, or probably your second or third! I'm not going to tell you any other things about the other levels, because you should be able to get the picture from the (probably overly) elaborate description of the first level. The only other thing I'll say is this: Even IF you somehow manage to stick with it, start over (or don't) in order to try and actually "beat" it, and think you're going to actually see it all the way through, you more than likely won't. The reason?
Level Fucking 10. GOOD GOD level 10! MAYBE the most dick video game segment I've EVER played, PERIOD! If you can muscle through that one, the rest of the game is easy, because at that point you're no longer mortal. You're a fucking GOD amongst men, and all will bow down to the might that is you're Prince of Persia Penis!
Anyway, that's it for my Prince of Persia review/synopsis thing. I'm not sure what game I'll be covering next (few can hold a candle to PoP:GB), but I've got plenty of other decently-dick games, including some rare ones you've might not have heard of.
Until next time,
This is Big T, signing off
